Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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