my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
