yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
