you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Randomize
