I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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