I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
