is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
