Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
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He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
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They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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