Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
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I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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