i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Randomize
