I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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