Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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