Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
