I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
