Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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