No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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