bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
