my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
