I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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