If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
