My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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