fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
