I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
