I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
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