I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I just found puke in my bra..
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
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