so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
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his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
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