Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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