Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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