I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
