I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
