she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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