Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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