I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
