im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
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My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
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Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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