he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Randomize
