Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
