My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
