i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
