The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
