He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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