it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
