Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
