She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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