Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
He has the fingertips of a God
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
