I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
