She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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