All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
