I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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