when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
