Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
you traded sex for a burrito?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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