Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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