Heybabeimwearingurpanties
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
