I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
