I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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