what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Pants are for mortals
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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