Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
