pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Found the puke drawer
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
