his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
