Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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